The character 責
in the word 責任 (responsibility) is the one for 責める(to blame) and there is a tendency to equate責任を負う
(to take responsibility) to 自分を責める(to blame oneself). But there's a fine
line between the two. “Taking responsibility” means that when something
happens, you see it through to the end and do everything that you can. But what
happened might not necessarily be your fault and there would be no need to
blame yourself for it.
Let’s say that you've arranged a meeting and, on the
day, you receive a notice that now you can't use the space that you were
planning to use. As the person in charge, you have to sort out somewhere else
to meet. So, you draw on all of your resources and look for a replacement
location. But it's too last minute, a suitable meeting place can't be found and
you end up with some tiny room that a little bit out of the way. On top of
that, you only manage to notify people about the change two hours before the
meeting...
When you’re in that kind of situation, how are you
going to feel?
When this kind of thing happens, there are two types
of people. There are people who will do everything they can about it but are
completely unaffected emotionally and for whom it's like water off a duck's
back. Then there are people who get completely thrown by unexpected
circumstances and get caught up in thinking that everything's their
responsibility and end up in total utter distress.
The other people involved in the meeting will probably
naturally say things like “this place is a bit of a walk from
the station” or “can we even fit everyone in here?” and chances are there will
be people who show up late and people who don't even show up at all.
The second type of person reacts to every little thing
that other people say and somehow feel that they can't face the people who turn
up late. Now, the first type of person takes responsibility, but clearly
understands that what has happened isn't their fault, and so isn't in the least
bit fazed. They'll acknowledge how badly they have inconvenienced everyone and empathise with them for that,
but they won't think that it's “their fault” and they won't blame themselves
for it.
This is where the fine line is.
In Japan, there's a beautiful culture of “apologising for everything”. But
there seem to be a lot of people who blame themselves excessively as a result.
Let’s say you introduce two of your friends to each
other and they get married. But, some years later, they end up breaking up
because of a “personality clash”. Would you then get to thinking that the
divorce was somehow caused by you bringing together two people who would
otherwise have never met? If so, you might be “someone who blames themselves
excessively”. Yes, you're the one that introduced them, but as far as getting
to the point of deciding to get married, that's the two of them. What happens
after they get together is up to them.
Now, for those who would confidently say “Too right!”,
would you be as confident when it comes to your children? There might be times when a kid's school results start dropping or
they have a fight with their friends or they're out till the early hours bar
hopping, and whenever these sorts of things happen, you might find yourself subconsciously
questioning yourself thinking “Oh, if only I'd been home more” or “I spoiled
them too much” and you’ll end up blaming yourself.
People who question themselves and blame themselves
are not only never criticized for doing so, but are even praised for it. So,
they get stuck into thinking that it's the right thing to do and for a lot of
them, it just becomes a matter of course. But constantly blaming oneself like
that makes the little “me” inside each of us absolutely desolate at being
continuously told off. Being praised will bring up anyone's self-esteem, but having
nothing but being brought down and told off will make it rapidly disappear.
So the next time you automatically think “this is all
my fault” or even “my bad”, maybe you should try ascertaining whether or not it
really was. Everybody does stupid things or forgets things that are important
or causes problems through some misunderstanding. But, if it wasn't
intentional, and you're now doing everything you can to make it right, then
really, that’s the best you can do, right? We don't have to tell ourselves off
or talk smack about ourselves any more. Instead, we can try accepting that
“there's nothing I can do about it – what's done is done” and go easy on
ourselves.
There's a world of difference between not blaming
yourself and being irresponsible. Try seeing the super fine line that's there
and do yourself a favour: forgive yourself.
[You can find the original article”紙一重（かみひとえ）" in Japanese here. It was posted in April 2012.]
