The expression jikochuu 自己中(self-centredness) is used for people who think about
nothing other than getting themselves ahead. In English too, the word
“self-centred” carries negative connotations and having a “selfless” attitude
is praised.
Of course people who are indiscriminate
in pursuing their own profit, power, fame and status and don’t give a thought
to the trouble that may result for those around them or the destruction of the
environment are nothing but self-centred.
Conversely, there is nothing but
gratitude and admiration for the courage of people who throw themselves into
the raging sea to rescue someone who’s drowning or fire fighters who, without a
thought for their own lives, save children from inside burning buildings. Putting
one’s interests aside and thinking about others is incredibly important and
it’s for this very reason that it gets taught so strongly both at school and at
home.
We should consider other people’s
feelings.
We should listen closely to other
people’s opinions.We should think about things from other people’s perspectives.
I think these are all important, but if
these are the only things that get taught and we neglect the message of “take
care of yourself”, this might give rise to some misunderstanding. Instead of
“take care of others as well as yourself”, it might come across like “Good
people always put themselves second” or “Thou shalt put the needs of others
before thine own”.
There are in fact parents and teachers
who are unwittingly transmitting these kinds of messages to their children. For
example, let’s say a family is going out for a walk together and one of the
kids says “I don’t want to go”. Then they say that they want to go to
so-and-so’s house down the road. If on the walk, the family stop’s by
so-and-so’s house and the kid gets to go in and play, then there’s no harm done
and everybody’s happy.
But there are parents who will feel like
“The whole point was that the whole family was going to go for a walk together”
and allow their disappointment to show, snapping “How selfish can you get! You
can't just do whatever suits you”, the result being that the message the child
will take away from that is “Not doing what my parents want is selfish”.
Doing the things you like, saying what
you want to say and expressing yourself freely are different from “being
selfish”. But, if a parent has unresolved emotional issues, these issues will
get entangled and have an impact on the child. If the parents disapprove or get
angry or disagree any time the child is just doing what they want to do, the child will become subservient to the parents, or
at least pretend to be, in order to try
to survive. Then, even after they've gone out into the world, they will
continue to keep this way of getting on in the world as a “handy little trick”.
People who put others’ needs in front of
their own and are “considerate” are appreciated, they are liked and they get
desired... They'll have people fall in love with them and they'll live happily
ever after...
Or so I thought...
I’m exhausted...I can’t be bothered...Who
gives! This is ridiculous! This is so stupid! What on earth am I doing this
for?
You get irritable, you get depressed and
you get pissed off. But the absolute worst is when you see selfish people
having all the fun.
“I've given all I have for other people.
Why do I feel so empty?”
“I've put up with so much just so that I can be someone who isn't a
selfish person…”
Putting
your own needs “to one side”, means putting other people's needs before your
own, just for the moment – it's not allowing that state of affairs to continue
indefinitely. But if you're constantly
being told that other people come first and act according to that, little by
little you start to shrink and who you are gets pushed far away.
Then there's the paradox that if you're
not looking out for yourself, you're being selfish at a time when you can’t afford to be at all.
“All I needed to do was to just
put my own needs “to one side”. But, have I left them behind and abandoned
them?”
If we're not in the habit of thinking
about ourselves, our thoughts in every circumstance will rush immediately to
others - “Well, that's what he said” “I don't think she'd think that” “How are
they going to feel?”
But, at times like these, the thing we
ought to be thinking about is “What do I want?”
What other people think and what other people are going to do are things that
only those people can ever know and as long as we're trying to “figure them out”,
nothing good can come of it. Now, if I
say that, it might be met with “It's not “trying to figure them out”; it's
empathy and that's a virtue!”
Of course thinking about other people is
important and it's necessary to be considerate. But, if this is all that we're
doing and we end up thinking “Where have I disappeared to?” then we
should be entitled to put ourselves more to the fore.
Returning our focus to
ourselves and placing ourselves at the very centre – that's a positive
self-centredness. At the same time, we'd be respecting other people and leaving
them to their own business. As our balance is being restored, we'll start
seeing our feelings emerge from the fog. If we can acknowledge our own
feelings, then surely we'll be able to convey them as well.
Being true to yourself and telling
people your true feelings takes considerable courage, but by doing so you'll be
able to liberate yourself and those around you, helping them move forward. Rather than 自己中 (jikochuu – self-centredness), we might call
this 自己忠 (jikochuu
– being loyal to yourself).
There might be some pretty severe bumps at the start, but the people who don't
gel with the new you will gradually drift
away and be replaced by people who do... This is just natural selection at work
– there's no need to worry.
Relax and why not give it a try.
