Different Strokes for Different Folks

The following story all happened 40 years ago in Tokyo.

When I was sitting my high school entrance exams, I went to check out two schools that were in the group I was looking at going to. Both of them were about an hour from where I was living in Setagaya and I got the same kind of vibe from the buildings and the grounds and the students at each of them.

Both were mufti schools and had an air of freedom about them and I was out at one of the schools, thinking that either would be fine, when a P.E. class started on the grounds of the school. The atmosphere there was somehow different to the school I'd looked at previously – it was what the students were wearing. They were all wearing completely different things. The other school had a proper P.E. uniform with matching colours that everyone wore. But here, everyone had their own style – a black t-shirt with blue shorts, a green tracksuit with a white stripe. Looking at the students' feet as they walked down the halls, their slippers were all different as well. Instead of wearing those white ones with a red or blue stripe that you’d expect, most of them were just wearing their own sandals.

As soon as I saw that, my mind was made up, “It's got to be this one!” Up to then, I thought I'd be fine with whichever one I got into, but now I had one more thing to ask God for. Then God totally answered my prayers.

This school without matching uniforms or slippers or P.E. gear was a school where you really were free. There weren't any rules saying “you're not allowed to do this” (that I can recall), but nonetheless all the students applied themselves both academically and athletically of their own accord.

Thinking about it now, it was probably at that high school that I developed my philosophy that children do best when adults trust them.  And it was at that school that I learnt not only that “it's ok to be different”, but that “variety is the spice of life” and being different is a good thing.

If left to their own devices, children will choose things that they like. If you look at the things they’ve chosen as a whole, it will be beautiful with myriad colours and all manner of shapes and designs. It's in this kind of environment that imagination and creativity are cultivated.

But now we've got primary schools where all the pencils are standard issue and only white erasers are allowed.  Apparently it's because if the kids have patterned pencils and cartoon erasers they'll get distracted and won't be able to concentrate on studying....Isn’t that sad? We’re only talking about pencils and erasers here. Shouldn’t we let them have whatever they like? It's nothing excessive and it really is very important to have things you like around you. It gets chosen not “because everyone's got one” or “because it's in at the moment”, but “because I like it” - it's my pencil, it's my eraser. As for studying, isn't it way more fun when done with your favourite pencil and eraser?

Even if a school's slogan is something like “Bring out individuality! Have a carefree environment!”, in reality it will have  so many rules that it will be stifling individuality. Then again, it's really hard to say what things should be prescribed and to what extent things should be regulated. It's completely different depending on the culture or even the time period. There's no perfect model and everyone's somewhat in the dark.

But one thing that can be said when making these sorts of judgements is that, as much as possible, I want to make love-based judgements as opposed to fear-based judgements. Saying “Letting them do whatever they want will surely cause problems for them.” is an example of a fear-based judgment, and we often feel like  “I don't know what's going to happen and that makes me uncomfortable so, I’m not going to do it. I'm not going to allow it.”

If it was just you, you'd probably manage, but when it comes to your little boy or girl, it’s so much harder. But children who are trusted from a young age have high self-esteem and will never be totally reckless. Even if they test you and put you on edge, sooner or later they'll get back on track.

What's more of an issue is teenagers who are chained by rules and punishments. There're more than a few university students who have been obedient since they were little and have managed to get into a leading university who say choosing their own subjects and expressing their own opinions is the hardest thing for them to do. If they don't grow up choosing and deciding things for themselves, all of a sudden they’ll be told to do so once they become adults and they’re not going to know how to.

Every child in their heart is begging “Mum, Dad, trust me!” Being “love-based” is about respecting who your child is and entrusting them to the love of the universe. Unlike the old days, this is a time filled with all sorts of choices and we adults get paralyzed and flustered. But the children who are born into this generation come fully equipped with the tools to properly deal with those things.

So, let's relax and let them go for it. When we summon the courage and let go, our children can come face to face with themselves. This is something I think we adults need to learn to do.

 [You can find the original post in Japanese 「十人十色」here.]

 

 

Internal Body Clock

Everyone has their own idea of what counts as a “luxury”, but to me, luxury is that first moment of waking up in the morning.

When the time comes for me to get up, my eyes naturally open up, light and easy. On work days, I wake up around two hours before heading out and on my days off, about an hour later than that.

When I have an early morning flight, I do set my alarm just in case, but each and every time my eyes will be open well before the alarm rings.

Tick-tock tick-tock…

My internal body clock signals me when the time is right.

Apparently you can now get alarm clocks which slowly wake you up by starting off soft and getting steadily louder. After all, we all want to wake up slowly, steadily and gently, right?

I've heard some delightful things like how when you're asleep, your soul slips away from your body and is free to roam about – when your soul returns, surely it's better for it to come in with a soft landing rather than crashing down in a nosedive.

Babies get all out of sorts when woken from a deep sleep and surely adults would be in just as bad a mood if something were to interrupt their sleep.

“That’s all well and good, but…”

Be that as it may, our bodies are a hundred times way more onto it than we think. On the one hand, it's slave to its master's orders, but it's in tune to us on a level we can't even perceive and functions accordingly. So, if you in any way think “there's no way I can wake up naturally in the morning”, your body will follow suit with “that's totally how it is” and will end up sleeping as long as it can.

But if you start to think “alright, I might just somehow be able to wake up naturally,” your internal body clock, having been given the chance - “finally, you've noticed me. It's time to show you what I can do!” - will cooperate with you wholeheartedly.

Modern people put faith in their alarm clocks' functionality but don't put any faith in their own bodies' functions – isn’t this the opposite of how things should be? Who on earth first suggested that medicine from a pharmacy works better than the natural healing powers we have in our bodies?

All alarm clocks do is ring at whatever time we've set them for, but our internal body clock regulates our sleeping patterns perfectly and makes it possible for us to wake up naturally.

If you're “alarm clock dependent”, please, please try this little prayer, starting tonight: “Let me be able to wake up naturally tomorrow.”

Of course, you should set your clock as always to start with. But, before long, you'll get to the point where you'll wake up a little bit before your alarm rings. Once that happens for a good number of days in a row, take the plunge and try sleeping without setting an alarm. You'll be on edge, but if you think to yourself that it'll be fine, it will be fine. Then, if you can do it once, that's it.

Want to have a good mood and greet the morning feeling refreshed? Try this!

[You can find the original post in Japanese 「体内時計」here.]

 

 

 

 

Self-Love

jiko chuushin (self-centredness), jiko manzoku (self-satisfaction) and jiko shuchou (self-assertiveness)… they all have negative connotations. Of course you're not going to get along with people if you think only about yourself, if you’re only concerned with pleasing yourself and if you only ever talk about the things you want to talk about.

But I think they’re only off-putting because of the word “only” and these “self-whatever” attitudes must have started out as something positive. “Focusing on yourself” doesn’t mean thinking just about yourself at the expense of everyone around you. It’s about objectively identifying how you’re feeling and what you want to do and conducting yourself in a way that’s true to yourself.

In English, “self-centred” is used synonymously with “selfish”, but if you say someone is “centred” (without the “self”) it takes on a different meaning; that of someone who is confident, well-grounded and well-balanced. The same goes for self-satisfaction. Whether we can get happy to start with is something that's really important. It's only when we ourselves are satisfied that we can then spread that feeling of satisfaction. Conversely, when we're feeling unfulfilled and unsatisfied we don't really have it in us to think about those around us.

“Self-Assertiveness” --- recently, people in Japan have been coming to realise the necessity of being straight up and saying what they actually think. However, a lot of people probably still say to themselves “I’ve said exactly what I wanted to, but people didn’t really like it…”

Being born into Japanese society, we were taught not to put ourselves at the fore and to maintain the wa* with those around us over everything else. Even though we can say a lot of good comes out of this, it also results in a lot of strain. Think first and foremost about others and put yourself second…we were taught that’s the proper order of things. In actual fact, isn’t it pretty much the opposite?

*wa: harmony, particularly in inter-personal relationships, that ought not be disturbed.

We have this ideal of “putting ourselves second and being of service to others” but the fact of the matter is people who put themselves at the service of others actually take great care of themselves. If you’re true to yourself, actively enjoy the things you like, properly put the things you want to say into words, you feel fulfilled and at peace and you come around to wanting to help people and be nice to them.

Being a devoted person isn’t about resisting doing the things you want to or making sacrifices. I think it’s more about being happy and, as a result, sharing that happiness. If you have a full glass, you have something to share. But if your own glass is empty, you have nothing to give.

Despite this, there’re tonnes of people who believe that you have to put yourself second and put everything they have into doing their good deeds. But if you don’t take care of yourself, all sorts of emotions start building up.

 

   I’m giving it everything I’ve got! Why doesn’t anyone else see that?

   Everyone’s got it so much easier than I do!

   Blood, sweat and tears and I can’t get anyone to notice!

 “Why doesn’t anyone see”, “everyone's got it so much easier”, “I can't get them to notice” - these all have a focus external to ourselves. But, you can't force people to change, so you feel totally powerless.

At times like this, it would be best to shift our perspective back to ourselves. And let's throw ourselves into the things we love and the things we enjoy. If you're too busy, lighten your schedule and make some free time.

They say that in order to love someone, you have to love yourself first. The truth seems to be that if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. The English phrase “self-love” is about taking care of yourself, respecting yourself and loving yourself. But the Japanese translation jikoai seems to mean something akin to “selfish arrogance.”

Here again, it must have the connotation of loving only yourself. But if you're able to truly love yourself, it becomes impossible for that love not to spread to those around you... Thus, “loving only oneself” is a virtual impossibility. On top of that, that feeling of selfish arrogance is worlds away from what love is.

Lost in translation....

Things like “self” and “love” can be interpreted lots of different ways, but, to put it simply, it comes down to giving yourself all the love you can and freeing yourself from the chains that bind you – that's just how it feels.

Centring ourselves, Satisfying ourselves, Asserting ourselves, Loving ourselves
– any and all of them would be most welcome! Let's start taking care of ourselves and regain some balance.

[You can find the original post in Japanese 「自分への愛」here.]