Let's be softies

I have a feeling that we have been taught that “being hard on yourself” is a good thing. We are told never to say to ourselves “That's good enough” - we are encouraged to keep telling ourselves “you gotta keep going”, “you can't quit now”, “come on, keep it up!” People who go easy on themselves get branded with labels like “lazy, no hoper, no ambition” and an air of inferiority seems to hang about them. So the more serious someone is and the more of a straight-A student, or the perfect 1950’s housewife, or a paragon of virtue they are, the more likely they are to be constantly examining, rebuking and judging themselves, setting the bar higher and higher for themselves. But no matter how hard they try, it'll never be enough – they'll never get to a point where they'll say “I've made it.” Or rather, they won't say “I'm fine with where I am”.

As kids, these people tend to have had strict fathers or nagging mothers and would have been flooded by people around them all telling them “Keep going! Don't stop! More!”. Thanks to this, strict rules and unachievable goals then become the norm and even when they've grown up they will continue to judge themselves. Now, these rules and yardsticks aren't things you can see, so usually you don’t even know that these kinds of things have been going on inside you. And the ones who can tell what’s happening still find it hard to change.

People who undervalue themselves and beat themselves up, and people who blame themselves, racked with guilt, may get praised and admired and sympathised with, but they hardly ever get criticised and as a result it is all the more likely that it won't even occur to them that they have to make a change in themselves.

Constantly blaming and judging yourself wears you down. Your energy disappears and both your heart and your body grow heavy. This is a sign that your soul is weeping. It's like a child who only ever gets told off, flinching and shrinking back in fear. Now if once in a while you get praised or noticed, your soul will brighten up in a flash and be jumping around for joy. But, as soon as you start self-evaluating again, it'll slump right back down.

You might wonder whether we can overcome these old habits. The answer is we can, no matter how old we are. As well as our bodies being instilled with miraculous powers of healing, our hearts and minds are capable of immense flexibility. The only reason you can’t change is because you think you can’t, you think you can’t do it. If you change those thoughts, anything and everything is possible. Then, all you have to do is slacken those rules you made for yourself and let yourself go a little soft.

Go easy on yourself! It’s not all about being a straight-A student. Getting 60% is pretty awesome and if once in a while you get 35%, that's ok too. And if you get 35% you don’t have to go back over every little thing. Why can't we just let it go and say “Well, it was one of those days”? And then, when you get 45% the next time around, shower yourself with praise.

If for decades now you've been a “strict parent” on yourself, you should start being a softie and treating yourself a little, starting today. Use your intuition and you can walk the line between the two. And if you need a bit of guidance, the universe will tell you what you should do.

Why don’t we just relax and go a bit soft on ourselves and on other people?

[You can find the original article in Japanese 「甘い人になろう」 here. ]