Your own voice

So, I was watching a British psychology experiment on TV.

They have a person give six year old children these huge boxes saying “Here's a present. Open it up.” The kids’ eyes light up and they open up the box but inside there's nothing but a single, pre-used pencil or perhaps a single odd sock. When they ask the child “Do you like your present?” most of the girls shyly force a smile and say “Yes, thank you.” In contrast, when the boys got the sock they would say “Is this it?” and if they got asked “Do you like it?” they answer “No way!”

In another experiment, they got the same kids to drink some juice that had salt in it. The ones who simply said “Yuck!” the moment it passed their lips were mostly boys. As for the girls, they would clearly scrunch up their faces but, when they got asked “Is it yummy?” they would whisper “yes”.

The conclusion:

Where most girls will give a “polite” answer, most boys, without worrying about politeness, will express their true feelings and these differences between the attitudes of men and women are already apparent in six year olds.

This was a huge shock - the gender gap already exists at the age of six!

The boys casually told the adults in the experiment exactly what they were thinking but the girls hid their true feelings and answered “politely”.

It's about having an obligation to thank an adult who gives you     a  present, no matter what it is, and replying “yes” when asked if juice that has been tampered with is tasty, right? Because that's what it means to “be polite”.

Obedient and deft at handling such situations, these girls have already mastered the art of such “manners” at the age of six and speak and act exactly as they are expected to in accordance with both the time and the situation. And the validation they then receive from adults further incentivises these girls’ “polite” behaviour. A child who doesn't say thank you, or cries out “yuck” is a child who is rude and is ignorant of proper manners...

But, this is all really very strange.

Why should they have to say thank you after receiving a solitary, unmatched sock? Wouldn't it be better if they did clearly say “yuck!” having being made to drink something filled with salt?

According to the American therapist Beverly Engel, there are a number of cultural, physiological and psychological factors contributing to women being largely incapable of expressing their own true feelings. Even among the most successful business women, artists, and actresses in America, there are lots of cases of women marginalising themselves, acting against their own interests and being unable to express their true selves when around men. Such is the reality of America which looks at first glance like “the country where women can best put themselves on a level playing field with men”.

Engel labels such women “Disappearing Women” and there are remarkable differences in the degree to which this happens depending on the country and the culture. Just as there are women who are completely covered from head to toe and are not permitted to even leave the house without being accompanied by a male, there are also women like those in this country who worked together with men and were the very first to secure a woman's right to vote. But, that doesn't necessarily mean that each and every one of these formidable women is able to express their true selves completely openly.

It is said that from a young age girls are taught to make those around them happy, even at the expense of themselves: the experiment from before is a perfect testament to that. As long as women continue to be modest and be a support to those around them at home, at school and out in the world, they are going to be praised for being ladylike, attentive and mindful and the chances of anyone seeing anything wrong with this state of affairs are rather slim.

And let’s say you keep this up when you're in a relationship and you play it safe and do your best not to rock the boat. Then you get betrayed by the man who you've sacrificing yourself like this for or your body starts to waste away from self-neglect... it's when it gets to that point that we see what's wrong.

   Why have I been keeping myself underfoot this whole time?
   Why couldn't I say that I needed to think about myself more?     
   Why did I let this keep going on for so long?

That moment of realisation is the first step on the road to self-empowerment.

There are people who, when they hear that “divorce rates are high”, see it only as a bad thing, but the way society works is not that simple. It is by the very fact that oppressed and enslaved peoples rise up that we have civil wars and it's when the existing establishment needs to be brought down that things end up changing. Between a woman who is suffering through a marriage because she's afraid of having to stand alone and a woman who has plucked up the courage to take that first step towards finding out who she really is, you can't simply compare them and say which of them is better off or which one of them is happier.

But there's been that realisation - your soul might say “I'm kind of ready”.

You switch from being on auto-pilot to manual control. And then you start asking yourself all sorts of questions.

   Is this something that I really want to do?
   Can I actually say what I want to say?
   Can’t I be more assertive now?

If the present in the giant box is just a tiny pencil, it's normal to be shocked and say “Is that it?” If the adults appear to not know that their juice tastes bad, isn't it better to help them out and tell them “this is gross”?

That's real communication.

Let's set our voices free! 

[You can find the original article in Japanese 「自分の声」 here. ]

Unspoken Expectations

The new carpet in my house is all done. Weeks of preparation paid off, and when it came the actual laying of the carpet on the day it was done before I knew it. The softness of the wool beneath my bare feet feels amazing; spreading out like a starfish on carpet pre-warmed by the sun – ahhhhhhhh, it’s all done.

Right away, I get up and start tidying things away back into the cupboards and onto the bookshelves where they belong. Everything slots back in nicely, as if all my things are now back home after a long time away. All of a sudden I realise it's somehow night-time already. I'm hungry, but physical limitations being what they are, I don't feel like actually making anything.

My daughter's living with me at the moment and a thought pops into my head - “She could make me something tasty for dinner...” She texted me earlier in the day saying “All going well?” so maybe she’ll be heading home early and will cook something for me. Surely she knows that I've been working for ages, all leading up to today, and I'm tired and...

Let's say it was you. What would you do at this point?

 

Would you wait for them to guess how you're feeling and come home for you?

Or would you ask them to come home early and do the cooking?

The old me would be the first one - it’s only natural that they should understand how I’m feeling – I shouldn’t have to come out and actually ask for such things.

I think there’s probably been lots of times when I’ve not said anything and waited for others to do something for me. Perhaps I thought that when it comes to family that you’ve been living with for a long time, these sorts of feelings somehow can be conveyed telepathically.

“Here, have some tea.”

“The bath’s ready!”

“I made some soup.”

Not only at home, but also in the workplace, people who are mindful and notice such things are considered to be “able”.

“I’ve already made some copies of those documents, just in case.”

“Everything’s booked up through to next week.”

These kinds of able people can read any kind of situation instantly and take the initiative. Then, when someone’s bad at doing that, it’s like “Can’t you do anything unless I spell it out for you?” In a “culture of consideration” people make a virtue out of being attuned to people without them having to say anything. However, there’re lots of way in which this can result in misunderstanding, disappointment and a whole web of all sorts of feelings. And the closer they are to you, the higher the chances are that this will happen.

            He’s my husband; he’ll understand.

            She’s my wife; I won’t have to say anything.

            With my dad, surely….

            She’s my daughter; she’ll understand what it’s like.

But there’re a lot of husbands who don’t know how their partner feels and wives who have to be told how things are and this results in disappointment, anger and sadness.

“I shouldn’t have to say anything, they should be able to tell what I’m thinking!”

If you think about it, that’s a huge expectation.

Perhaps these kinds of expectations are carried over from a time when people lived together in single-clan villages and were always around each other. But now, in a society where everyone moves around and everything’s so complicated and things are changing all the time, it’s near impossible to divine what those around us are thinking or what kind of mood they’re in at any given time. I had these sorts of expectations of my non-Japanese husband and, long story short, it didn’t end happily ever after.  

But, once we notice that we’re putting all these kinds of expectations on the people around us, it dawns on us that we are in fact ultimately responsible for those things that we would be blaming them for.

This is good news because you can’t change other people, but you can change yourself. Instead of not saying anything and putting the expectation on other people, you can try actually telling people what your needs are. If you’re expecting someone to do something for you, and they don’t follow through, then you’re already going to be too disappointed and angry to calmly tell them what it is that you need.

So, when you’re thinking “Man, it would be great if they did this for me”, try something new and say “Could I get you to do this?” If asked gently like this, they might just answer with “Sure!” Even if you get told “no” don’t get all angry and be like “Why not?!” Say “Come on, this is what’s going on and it would be really helpful if I could get you to do this for me” and clearly communicate to them what your needs are. If you still get a “no”, ask their reasons for saying that. If you have conflicting needs at that time, then you can try negotiating.

Real communication is something that takes time and patience. I’ve put a lot of years into it and I’m only now getting to a point where I can do it right.

So, on that night, I sent my daughter a text and made my needs clear. “The carpet’s all done. It feels so nice! But I’m really tired, so can I get you to take care of dinner? Takeaways is fine – I just want to eat something delicious.” Next thing, I got her reply of “Sure!” and she came home an hour later with some delicious Lao food - and all was well throughout the land.

I think me enjoying the food I’d asked her for and appreciating her, saying “Oh, I was so tired. Thank you so much for buying this for me” had a much greater educational effect than would be had from me silently expecting things and then lecturing her saying “How inconsiderate can you be? You should…..”

What do you think?

 [You can find the original article in Japanese 「無言の期待」here. ] 

Try a little jikochuu

The expression jikochuu 自己中(self-centredness) is used for people who think about nothing other than getting themselves ahead. In English too, the word “self-centred” carries negative connotations and having a “selfless” attitude is praised.

Of course people who are indiscriminate in pursuing their own profit, power, fame and status and don’t give a thought to the trouble that may result for those around them or the destruction of the environment are nothing but self-centred.

Conversely, there is nothing but gratitude and admiration for the courage of people who throw themselves into the raging sea to rescue someone who’s drowning or fire fighters who, without a thought for their own lives, save children from inside burning buildings. Putting one’s interests aside and thinking about others is incredibly important and it’s for this very reason that it gets taught so strongly both at school and at home.

  We should consider other people’s feelings.

  We should listen closely to other people’s opinions.
  We should think about things from other people’s perspectives.

I think these are all important, but if these are the only things that get taught and we neglect the message of “take care of yourself”, this might give rise to some misunderstanding. Instead of “take care of others as well as yourself”, it might come across like “Good people always put themselves second” or “Thou shalt put the needs of others before thine own”.

There are in fact parents and teachers who are unwittingly transmitting these kinds of messages to their children. For example, let’s say a family is going out for a walk together and one of the kids says “I don’t want to go”. Then they say that they want to go to so-and-so’s house down the road. If on the walk, the family stop’s by so-and-so’s house and the kid gets to go in and play, then there’s no harm done and everybody’s happy.

But there are parents who will feel like “The whole point was that the whole family was going to go for a walk together” and allow their disappointment to show, snapping “How selfish can you get! You can't just do whatever suits you”, the result being that the message the child will take away from that is “Not doing what my parents want is selfish”.

Doing the things you like, saying what you want to say and expressing yourself freely are different from “being selfish”. But, if a parent has unresolved emotional issues, these issues will get entangled and have an impact on the child. If the parents disapprove or get angry or disagree any time the child is just doing what they want to do, the child will become subservient to the parents, or at least pretend to be, in order to try to survive. Then, even after they've gone out into the world, they will continue to keep this way of getting on in the world as a “handy little trick”.

People who put others’ needs in front of their own and are “considerate” are appreciated, they are liked and they get desired... They'll have people fall in love with them and they'll live happily ever after...

Or so I thought...

I’m exhausted...I can’t be bothered...Who gives! This is ridiculous! This is so stupid! What on earth am I doing this for?

You get irritable, you get depressed and you get pissed off. But the absolute worst is when you see selfish people having all the fun.

“I've given all I have for other people. Why do I feel so empty?”

“I've put up with so much just so that I can be someone who isn't a selfish person…”

Putting your own needs “to one side”, means putting other people's needs before your own, just for the moment – it's not allowing that state of affairs to continue indefinitely. But if you're constantly being told that other people come first and act according to that, little by little you start to shrink and who you are gets pushed far away.

Then there's the paradox that if you're not looking out for yourself, you're being selfish at a time when you can’t afford to be at all.

“All I needed to do was to just put my own needs “to one side”. But, have I left them behind and abandoned them?”

If we're not in the habit of thinking about ourselves, our thoughts in every circumstance will rush immediately to others - “Well, that's what he said” “I don't think she'd think that” “How are they going to feel?”

But, at times like these, the thing we ought to be thinking about is “What do I want?” What other people think and what other people are going to do are things that only those people can ever know and as long as we're trying to “figure them out”, nothing  good can come of it. Now, if I say that, it might be met with “It's not “trying to figure them out”; it's empathy and that's a virtue!”

Of course thinking about other people is important and it's necessary to be considerate. But, if this is all that we're doing and we end up thinking “Where have I disappeared to?” then we should be entitled to put ourselves more to the fore.

 

Returning our focus to ourselves and placing ourselves at the very centre – that's a positive self-centredness. At the same time, we'd be respecting other people and leaving them to their own business. As our balance is being restored, we'll start seeing our feelings emerge from the fog. If we can acknowledge our own feelings, then surely we'll be able to convey them as well.

Being true to yourself and telling people your true feelings takes considerable courage, but by doing so you'll be able to liberate yourself and those around you, helping them move forward. Rather than 自己中 (jikochuu – self-centredness), we might call this 自己忠 (jikochuu – being loyal to yourself).

There might be some pretty severe bumps at the start, but the people who don't gel with the new you will gradually drift away and be replaced by people who do... This is just natural selection at work – there's no need to worry.

Relax and why not give it a try.

  [You can find the original article in Japanese 「自己忠の勧め」here. ] 

 

Let us receive more blessings.

“The universe gives us so many gifts but what we actually receive is only 2% of that.”

I can't remember where I heard that, but it had a real impact on me. I was first struck by the part that says “The universe gives us so many gifts”. Like “The heavens overflow with love” and “The gods send only their angels”, it's the kind of idea that scientists tend to laugh off, crying “Prove it!” As a result, lots of people are cynical about this kind of thing, but, without a shadow of a doubt, I'm in total agreement. I don’t know why, but whenever I come across people saying things like “the universe gives us so many gifts”, I feel so happy, like “I’ve always thought that!”  I get filled with this sense of everything finally making sense – this wasn’t in any of my textbooks and I didn’t get taught it at school, but finally, someone’s told me about this!

The gifts it talks about are the things that come right when you need them - a flash of inspiration, an opportunity, a chance meeting.... or perhaps the book you've been looking for, the car you're meant to buy or the house that's just right for you. But, I got to thinking about the part that says “what we actually receive is only 2% of that”. Does this mean  that the universe is offering us things with a “here you go” and “I've got a present for you”, and we’re turning them away, saying “I don't need it”, “Nah, I'm good” or “I'm fine”?

If we’re always so busy and we’re thinking about so many things and have so many distractions, we’re never going to notice that the “gifts of the universe” are right in front of our eyes. Even though the universe provides us with exactly what we need, we take no notice and keep on fretting and fussing, all for nothing. But the good news is there's nothing really that we have to do to receive these gifts. On the contrary, all we need to do is slow down, still ourselves and be looking out for the signs.

In English, they say “All you need to do is allow good things to come to you”. The key here is the word “allow”. It's not about desperately trying to make things happen or putting effort into bringing things to you. It's about just letting it wash over you like a river. The big “rocks” that block this river of blessings might be things like a hectic lifestyle and feelings of negativity, but a lot of them are our beliefs about receiving - “I can't be given this over other people”, “I don't have the right to receive such things”. Without knowing it, we really do seem to be putting ourselves down.

However, we can resolve all of these things within ourselves. If we examine each of them one by one and clear them out, we can break down the dam that was blocking that river and it will flow again.

The universe only gives us exactly what we need right now. So, like little children, let us smile, let out a big “thank you” and just accept these gifts with open arms. The joy which we are so blessed to receive becomes infectious and will spread like wildfire to those around us. We are all connected after all.

  [You can find the original article in Japanese 「もっといただこう」here. ]

The Power of Foreign Languages

My classes this year have all finished. In the southern hemisphere the seasons are the other way around, so the first semester in autumn begins in March. Consequently, the end of year exams are in November.

I'm always relieved at this time of year, having finished a year's worth of classes, but there's something special about this year and I'm filled with emotion. This is because it's the final day of a course that I have taught for over 15 years. The attendance rate of the course was higher than usual from the beginning, and even when the students were getting swamped with work for their other subjects towards the end, most of them still turned up. I've been very fortunate to be blessed in my final year with such motivated students.

At university, more than a few people are of the opinion  that “language learning is mechanical” and therefore “it's nothing more than acquiring a skill”, but foreign languages have a real power. People often mention the “cross-cultural understanding” effect. By coming into contact with a culture outside of your own, you broaden your outlook. Through learning a language, you learn the ways of thinking and values specific to that culture and break free from having a narrow worldview.

But more than that, language studies also become a chance to get to know ourselves.

By the time they reach university, a lot of students already have firmly set opinions and ways of thinking about things and struggle to deviate from them. Even though in reality they're still really young, they can still be like “I'm this kind of person”.

The same goes for their personal abilities – perhaps because of something someone might have said to them once, they become convinced that they can't draw, or that they're tone-deaf, or that they can't write well and resign themselves to not being able to do all sorts of things.

I want them to think more about questions like “who am I?”, but there really aren't those kinds of opportunities in a normal university class. But, in a foreign language class, there's mountains of material that allows you to do just that.

Good at, not good at, was good at, wasn't good at

Can, Can't, Could, Couldn't

In lessons on conjugating na adjectives and verbs, we use questions relating to people's abilities like “Are you good at singing?” or “Can you draw?”. So, even though I'm just checking if they can get the form right, if a student says “I'm bad at singing”, I ask them “Were you bad at it when you were a kid?” If they still answer “Yes, I was”, I throw in a “Did you like singing?”. No kid dislikes things like singing and drawing pictures, so they always say “Yes, I did”.

So, all that singing and drawing and dancing you loved so much, don't you do that anymore? Why? Don't you like it anymore? Or do you actually like it but you're bad at it so you stopped?

If they were getting hounded with questions like this in a conversation in their own language, what would end up happening is they would get annoyed and start deflecting - “I dunno... whatever...” But with a language they've only just started learning, they have to put everything they have into trying to answer even the simplest question. They can't just toss out “the answer they always give”, so they end up having to start afresh and take time putting together an answer to that question.

In a foreign language, you can't get away with the kind of answer that in your own language you'd automatically give without thinking. This kind of lesson, where they have to take their time and search for the right words and stitch the sentence together, presents them with an opportunity to re-examine their own answers and think “why am I so set in my thinking?”

In both my intermediate and advanced courses, I always include essay topics that allow for self-reflection and I give them tasks in which they can showcase their creativity. I design the courses in such a way that they might discover somewhere a “new” self, different from the self they thought they were up to now, or they might notice their own self-imposed restrictions and be set free from them.

The good old days of students being able to practise in a small class five times a week are over but I still hope I can give lessons where my students can discover new things and learn more about themselves. I'm teaching an elective course next year and I might even be able to go all out holistic with it–  I'm looking forward to that.

 [You can find the original article in Japanese 「外国語の威力」here. It was posted in October 2012.]

 

 

Different Strokes for Different Folks

The following story all happened 40 years ago in Tokyo.

When I was sitting my high school entrance exams, I went to check out two schools that were in the group I was looking at going to. Both of them were about an hour from where I was living in Setagaya and I got the same kind of vibe from the buildings and the grounds and the students at each of them.

Both were mufti schools and had an air of freedom about them and I was out at one of the schools, thinking that either would be fine, when a P.E. class started on the grounds of the school. The atmosphere there was somehow different to the school I'd looked at previously – it was what the students were wearing. They were all wearing completely different things. The other school had a proper P.E. uniform with matching colours that everyone wore. But here, everyone had their own style – a black t-shirt with blue shorts, a green tracksuit with a white stripe. Looking at the students' feet as they walked down the halls, their slippers were all different as well. Instead of wearing those white ones with a red or blue stripe that you’d expect, most of them were just wearing their own sandals.

As soon as I saw that, my mind was made up, “It's got to be this one!” Up to then, I thought I'd be fine with whichever one I got into, but now I had one more thing to ask God for. Then God totally answered my prayers.

This school without matching uniforms or slippers or P.E. gear was a school where you really were free. There weren't any rules saying “you're not allowed to do this” (that I can recall), but nonetheless all the students applied themselves both academically and athletically of their own accord.

Thinking about it now, it was probably at that high school that I developed my philosophy that children do best when adults trust them.  And it was at that school that I learnt not only that “it's ok to be different”, but that “variety is the spice of life” and being different is a good thing.

If left to their own devices, children will choose things that they like. If you look at the things they’ve chosen as a whole, it will be beautiful with myriad colours and all manner of shapes and designs. It's in this kind of environment that imagination and creativity are cultivated.

But now we've got primary schools where all the pencils are standard issue and only white erasers are allowed.  Apparently it's because if the kids have patterned pencils and cartoon erasers they'll get distracted and won't be able to concentrate on studying....Isn’t that sad? We’re only talking about pencils and erasers here. Shouldn’t we let them have whatever they like? It's nothing excessive and it really is very important to have things you like around you. It gets chosen not “because everyone's got one” or “because it's in at the moment”, but “because I like it” - it's my pencil, it's my eraser. As for studying, isn't it way more fun when done with your favourite pencil and eraser?

Even if a school's slogan is something like “Bring out individuality! Have a carefree environment!”, in reality it will have  so many rules that it will be stifling individuality. Then again, it's really hard to say what things should be prescribed and to what extent things should be regulated. It's completely different depending on the culture or even the time period. There's no perfect model and everyone's somewhat in the dark.

But one thing that can be said when making these sorts of judgements is that, as much as possible, I want to make love-based judgements as opposed to fear-based judgements. Saying “Letting them do whatever they want will surely cause problems for them.” is an example of a fear-based judgment, and we often feel like  “I don't know what's going to happen and that makes me uncomfortable so, I’m not going to do it. I'm not going to allow it.”

If it was just you, you'd probably manage, but when it comes to your little boy or girl, it’s so much harder. But children who are trusted from a young age have high self-esteem and will never be totally reckless. Even if they test you and put you on edge, sooner or later they'll get back on track.

What's more of an issue is teenagers who are chained by rules and punishments. There're more than a few university students who have been obedient since they were little and have managed to get into a leading university who say choosing their own subjects and expressing their own opinions is the hardest thing for them to do. If they don't grow up choosing and deciding things for themselves, all of a sudden they’ll be told to do so once they become adults and they’re not going to know how to.

Every child in their heart is begging “Mum, Dad, trust me!” Being “love-based” is about respecting who your child is and entrusting them to the love of the universe. Unlike the old days, this is a time filled with all sorts of choices and we adults get paralyzed and flustered. But the children who are born into this generation come fully equipped with the tools to properly deal with those things.

So, let's relax and let them go for it. When we summon the courage and let go, our children can come face to face with themselves. This is something I think we adults need to learn to do.

 [You can find the original post in Japanese 「十人十色」here.]

 

 

Internal Body Clock

Everyone has their own idea of what counts as a “luxury”, but to me, luxury is that first moment of waking up in the morning.

When the time comes for me to get up, my eyes naturally open up, light and easy. On work days, I wake up around two hours before heading out and on my days off, about an hour later than that.

When I have an early morning flight, I do set my alarm just in case, but each and every time my eyes will be open well before the alarm rings.

Tick-tock tick-tock…

My internal body clock signals me when the time is right.

Apparently you can now get alarm clocks which slowly wake you up by starting off soft and getting steadily louder. After all, we all want to wake up slowly, steadily and gently, right?

I've heard some delightful things like how when you're asleep, your soul slips away from your body and is free to roam about – when your soul returns, surely it's better for it to come in with a soft landing rather than crashing down in a nosedive.

Babies get all out of sorts when woken from a deep sleep and surely adults would be in just as bad a mood if something were to interrupt their sleep.

“That’s all well and good, but…”

Be that as it may, our bodies are a hundred times way more onto it than we think. On the one hand, it's slave to its master's orders, but it's in tune to us on a level we can't even perceive and functions accordingly. So, if you in any way think “there's no way I can wake up naturally in the morning”, your body will follow suit with “that's totally how it is” and will end up sleeping as long as it can.

But if you start to think “alright, I might just somehow be able to wake up naturally,” your internal body clock, having been given the chance - “finally, you've noticed me. It's time to show you what I can do!” - will cooperate with you wholeheartedly.

Modern people put faith in their alarm clocks' functionality but don't put any faith in their own bodies' functions – isn’t this the opposite of how things should be? Who on earth first suggested that medicine from a pharmacy works better than the natural healing powers we have in our bodies?

All alarm clocks do is ring at whatever time we've set them for, but our internal body clock regulates our sleeping patterns perfectly and makes it possible for us to wake up naturally.

If you're “alarm clock dependent”, please, please try this little prayer, starting tonight: “Let me be able to wake up naturally tomorrow.”

Of course, you should set your clock as always to start with. But, before long, you'll get to the point where you'll wake up a little bit before your alarm rings. Once that happens for a good number of days in a row, take the plunge and try sleeping without setting an alarm. You'll be on edge, but if you think to yourself that it'll be fine, it will be fine. Then, if you can do it once, that's it.

Want to have a good mood and greet the morning feeling refreshed? Try this!

[You can find the original post in Japanese 「体内時計」here.]