Different Strokes for Different Folks

The following story all happened 40 years ago in Tokyo.

When I was sitting my high school entrance exams, I went to check out two schools that were in the group I was looking at going to. Both of them were about an hour from where I was living in Setagaya and I got the same kind of vibe from the buildings and the grounds and the students at each of them.

Both were mufti schools and had an air of freedom about them and I was out at one of the schools, thinking that either would be fine, when a P.E. class started on the grounds of the school. The atmosphere there was somehow different to the school I'd looked at previously – it was what the students were wearing. They were all wearing completely different things. The other school had a proper P.E. uniform with matching colours that everyone wore. But here, everyone had their own style – a black t-shirt with blue shorts, a green tracksuit with a white stripe. Looking at the students' feet as they walked down the halls, their slippers were all different as well. Instead of wearing those white ones with a red or blue stripe that you’d expect, most of them were just wearing their own sandals.

As soon as I saw that, my mind was made up, “It's got to be this one!” Up to then, I thought I'd be fine with whichever one I got into, but now I had one more thing to ask God for. Then God totally answered my prayers.

This school without matching uniforms or slippers or P.E. gear was a school where you really were free. There weren't any rules saying “you're not allowed to do this” (that I can recall), but nonetheless all the students applied themselves both academically and athletically of their own accord.

Thinking about it now, it was probably at that high school that I developed my philosophy that children do best when adults trust them.  And it was at that school that I learnt not only that “it's ok to be different”, but that “variety is the spice of life” and being different is a good thing.

If left to their own devices, children will choose things that they like. If you look at the things they’ve chosen as a whole, it will be beautiful with myriad colours and all manner of shapes and designs. It's in this kind of environment that imagination and creativity are cultivated.

But now we've got primary schools where all the pencils are standard issue and only white erasers are allowed.  Apparently it's because if the kids have patterned pencils and cartoon erasers they'll get distracted and won't be able to concentrate on studying....Isn’t that sad? We’re only talking about pencils and erasers here. Shouldn’t we let them have whatever they like? It's nothing excessive and it really is very important to have things you like around you. It gets chosen not “because everyone's got one” or “because it's in at the moment”, but “because I like it” - it's my pencil, it's my eraser. As for studying, isn't it way more fun when done with your favourite pencil and eraser?

Even if a school's slogan is something like “Bring out individuality! Have a carefree environment!”, in reality it will have  so many rules that it will be stifling individuality. Then again, it's really hard to say what things should be prescribed and to what extent things should be regulated. It's completely different depending on the culture or even the time period. There's no perfect model and everyone's somewhat in the dark.

But one thing that can be said when making these sorts of judgements is that, as much as possible, I want to make love-based judgements as opposed to fear-based judgements. Saying “Letting them do whatever they want will surely cause problems for them.” is an example of a fear-based judgment, and we often feel like  “I don't know what's going to happen and that makes me uncomfortable so, I’m not going to do it. I'm not going to allow it.”

If it was just you, you'd probably manage, but when it comes to your little boy or girl, it’s so much harder. But children who are trusted from a young age have high self-esteem and will never be totally reckless. Even if they test you and put you on edge, sooner or later they'll get back on track.

What's more of an issue is teenagers who are chained by rules and punishments. There're more than a few university students who have been obedient since they were little and have managed to get into a leading university who say choosing their own subjects and expressing their own opinions is the hardest thing for them to do. If they don't grow up choosing and deciding things for themselves, all of a sudden they’ll be told to do so once they become adults and they’re not going to know how to.

Every child in their heart is begging “Mum, Dad, trust me!” Being “love-based” is about respecting who your child is and entrusting them to the love of the universe. Unlike the old days, this is a time filled with all sorts of choices and we adults get paralyzed and flustered. But the children who are born into this generation come fully equipped with the tools to properly deal with those things.

So, let's relax and let them go for it. When we summon the courage and let go, our children can come face to face with themselves. This is something I think we adults need to learn to do.

 [You can find the original post in Japanese 「十人十色」here.]