Unspoken Expectations

The new carpet in my house is all done. Weeks of preparation paid off, and when it came the actual laying of the carpet on the day it was done before I knew it. The softness of the wool beneath my bare feet feels amazing; spreading out like a starfish on carpet pre-warmed by the sun – ahhhhhhhh, it’s all done.

Right away, I get up and start tidying things away back into the cupboards and onto the bookshelves where they belong. Everything slots back in nicely, as if all my things are now back home after a long time away. All of a sudden I realise it's somehow night-time already. I'm hungry, but physical limitations being what they are, I don't feel like actually making anything.

My daughter's living with me at the moment and a thought pops into my head - “She could make me something tasty for dinner...” She texted me earlier in the day saying “All going well?” so maybe she’ll be heading home early and will cook something for me. Surely she knows that I've been working for ages, all leading up to today, and I'm tired and...

Let's say it was you. What would you do at this point?

 

Would you wait for them to guess how you're feeling and come home for you?

Or would you ask them to come home early and do the cooking?

The old me would be the first one - it’s only natural that they should understand how I’m feeling – I shouldn’t have to come out and actually ask for such things.

I think there’s probably been lots of times when I’ve not said anything and waited for others to do something for me. Perhaps I thought that when it comes to family that you’ve been living with for a long time, these sorts of feelings somehow can be conveyed telepathically.

“Here, have some tea.”

“The bath’s ready!”

“I made some soup.”

Not only at home, but also in the workplace, people who are mindful and notice such things are considered to be “able”.

“I’ve already made some copies of those documents, just in case.”

“Everything’s booked up through to next week.”

These kinds of able people can read any kind of situation instantly and take the initiative. Then, when someone’s bad at doing that, it’s like “Can’t you do anything unless I spell it out for you?” In a “culture of consideration” people make a virtue out of being attuned to people without them having to say anything. However, there’re lots of way in which this can result in misunderstanding, disappointment and a whole web of all sorts of feelings. And the closer they are to you, the higher the chances are that this will happen.

            He’s my husband; he’ll understand.

            She’s my wife; I won’t have to say anything.

            With my dad, surely….

            She’s my daughter; she’ll understand what it’s like.

But there’re a lot of husbands who don’t know how their partner feels and wives who have to be told how things are and this results in disappointment, anger and sadness.

“I shouldn’t have to say anything, they should be able to tell what I’m thinking!”

If you think about it, that’s a huge expectation.

Perhaps these kinds of expectations are carried over from a time when people lived together in single-clan villages and were always around each other. But now, in a society where everyone moves around and everything’s so complicated and things are changing all the time, it’s near impossible to divine what those around us are thinking or what kind of mood they’re in at any given time. I had these sorts of expectations of my non-Japanese husband and, long story short, it didn’t end happily ever after.  

But, once we notice that we’re putting all these kinds of expectations on the people around us, it dawns on us that we are in fact ultimately responsible for those things that we would be blaming them for.

This is good news because you can’t change other people, but you can change yourself. Instead of not saying anything and putting the expectation on other people, you can try actually telling people what your needs are. If you’re expecting someone to do something for you, and they don’t follow through, then you’re already going to be too disappointed and angry to calmly tell them what it is that you need.

So, when you’re thinking “Man, it would be great if they did this for me”, try something new and say “Could I get you to do this?” If asked gently like this, they might just answer with “Sure!” Even if you get told “no” don’t get all angry and be like “Why not?!” Say “Come on, this is what’s going on and it would be really helpful if I could get you to do this for me” and clearly communicate to them what your needs are. If you still get a “no”, ask their reasons for saying that. If you have conflicting needs at that time, then you can try negotiating.

Real communication is something that takes time and patience. I’ve put a lot of years into it and I’m only now getting to a point where I can do it right.

So, on that night, I sent my daughter a text and made my needs clear. “The carpet’s all done. It feels so nice! But I’m really tired, so can I get you to take care of dinner? Takeaways is fine – I just want to eat something delicious.” Next thing, I got her reply of “Sure!” and she came home an hour later with some delicious Lao food - and all was well throughout the land.

I think me enjoying the food I’d asked her for and appreciating her, saying “Oh, I was so tired. Thank you so much for buying this for me” had a much greater educational effect than would be had from me silently expecting things and then lecturing her saying “How inconsiderate can you be? You should…..”

What do you think?

 [You can find the original article in Japanese 「無言の期待」here. ]