Self-Love

jiko chuushin (self-centredness), jiko manzoku (self-satisfaction) and jiko shuchou (self-assertiveness)… they all have negative connotations. Of course you're not going to get along with people if you think only about yourself, if you’re only concerned with pleasing yourself and if you only ever talk about the things you want to talk about.

But I think they’re only off-putting because of the word “only” and these “self-whatever” attitudes must have started out as something positive. “Focusing on yourself” doesn’t mean thinking just about yourself at the expense of everyone around you. It’s about objectively identifying how you’re feeling and what you want to do and conducting yourself in a way that’s true to yourself.

In English, “self-centred” is used synonymously with “selfish”, but if you say someone is “centred” (without the “self”) it takes on a different meaning; that of someone who is confident, well-grounded and well-balanced. The same goes for self-satisfaction. Whether we can get happy to start with is something that's really important. It's only when we ourselves are satisfied that we can then spread that feeling of satisfaction. Conversely, when we're feeling unfulfilled and unsatisfied we don't really have it in us to think about those around us.

“Self-Assertiveness” --- recently, people in Japan have been coming to realise the necessity of being straight up and saying what they actually think. However, a lot of people probably still say to themselves “I’ve said exactly what I wanted to, but people didn’t really like it…”

Being born into Japanese society, we were taught not to put ourselves at the fore and to maintain the wa* with those around us over everything else. Even though we can say a lot of good comes out of this, it also results in a lot of strain. Think first and foremost about others and put yourself second…we were taught that’s the proper order of things. In actual fact, isn’t it pretty much the opposite?

*wa: harmony, particularly in inter-personal relationships, that ought not be disturbed.

We have this ideal of “putting ourselves second and being of service to others” but the fact of the matter is people who put themselves at the service of others actually take great care of themselves. If you’re true to yourself, actively enjoy the things you like, properly put the things you want to say into words, you feel fulfilled and at peace and you come around to wanting to help people and be nice to them.

Being a devoted person isn’t about resisting doing the things you want to or making sacrifices. I think it’s more about being happy and, as a result, sharing that happiness. If you have a full glass, you have something to share. But if your own glass is empty, you have nothing to give.

Despite this, there’re tonnes of people who believe that you have to put yourself second and put everything they have into doing their good deeds. But if you don’t take care of yourself, all sorts of emotions start building up.

 

   I’m giving it everything I’ve got! Why doesn’t anyone else see that?

   Everyone’s got it so much easier than I do!

   Blood, sweat and tears and I can’t get anyone to notice!

 “Why doesn’t anyone see”, “everyone's got it so much easier”, “I can't get them to notice” - these all have a focus external to ourselves. But, you can't force people to change, so you feel totally powerless.

At times like this, it would be best to shift our perspective back to ourselves. And let's throw ourselves into the things we love and the things we enjoy. If you're too busy, lighten your schedule and make some free time.

They say that in order to love someone, you have to love yourself first. The truth seems to be that if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. The English phrase “self-love” is about taking care of yourself, respecting yourself and loving yourself. But the Japanese translation jikoai seems to mean something akin to “selfish arrogance.”

Here again, it must have the connotation of loving only yourself. But if you're able to truly love yourself, it becomes impossible for that love not to spread to those around you... Thus, “loving only oneself” is a virtual impossibility. On top of that, that feeling of selfish arrogance is worlds away from what love is.

Lost in translation....

Things like “self” and “love” can be interpreted lots of different ways, but, to put it simply, it comes down to giving yourself all the love you can and freeing yourself from the chains that bind you – that's just how it feels.

Centring ourselves, Satisfying ourselves, Asserting ourselves, Loving ourselves
– any and all of them would be most welcome! Let's start taking care of ourselves and regain some balance.

[You can find the original post in Japanese 「自分への愛」here.]