Looks can be Deceiving

So, I wanted to get someone to redo my garden tiles. A friend recommended someone to me, but he didn’t feel quite right for the job so I tried going on a website, NoCowboys, which has various companies and tradesmen registered on it.

I found a guy nearby who had reviews like “Reliable” “Professional work” “Reasonable pricing” and I got him around soon after for a quote. I heard a knock on the door, right on time, and opened it to see this really young guy standing there. 

As I explained that I want this done this way and I want this over here done like this he’d just reply “Oh, yeah?” It was the complete opposite of the previous guy who kept saying “Should we do this instead?” and recommending things that would cost a lot. But from time to time he would comment, making the crucial points you’d expect of a professional and when I asked him how long he’d been doing this for he said “12 years”.  Then, on top of that, he said “I’m taking my seven-year old boy skiing this weekend” (!)

As the reviews predicted, his quote was very reasonable and I was quite taken with his unassuming personality, so I decided to hire him. 

The following week he appeared as per our appointment (being on time and keeping to appointments might be commonplace in Japan, but in this country it deserves special mention!) accompanied by another even younger man.

When I asked this other guy “Is this a part-time job?” he smiled back happily and told me that he was currently an apprentice, but that in the future it’s looking like he’ll be taken on to join his boss’s company.  

On the day when the boys were onto the final stages of the tiling I happened to be at home and was able to observe how they worked. The apprentice seemed to be left entirely to do the physical labour. The boss, in constant consultation with me, made sure the tiles lined up properly, all the while muttering things like “maybe it’s a bit too perfect…”

When I asked him “Where’d you learn all of this?” he said he’d trained under his father for a few years and then worked for a company for a while after that. After that he struck out on his own and that’s how it’s been all the way up to now. And I found out his youngest daughter is 2 years old.

I said “Well, it must be hard getting woken up in the middle of the night” and the younger guy said “Sure is! Me, I’ve got a two and half year old!”

This kid has a kid?!

The sun had started beating down hard. They were both down to just t-shirts and had huge tattoos along their arms.

“I hated studying so I dropped out of school”.

These boys must have been wild teenagers. Smoking, drinking, drugs… there are so many temptations for rebellious youths.

Or so I thought.

“That was an insane time, but I’m glad it’s over”

“Totally! I can’t believe how much I used to drink. Alcohol is so bad for you!”

“Yeah. That’s why I don’t drink anymore and I try to eat healthy.”

“When you become a parent, you start thinking about stuff like that.”

These kinds of words don’t really line up with the “tattooed builder” stereotype.

Compared to some lawyers you get who are practically alcoholics and company executives pickling themselves with junk food, these young guys are astoundingly wise.

Perhaps it’s thanks to going off the rails in their teens that they were able to learn such an important lesson as this. You really can’t judge people based on their appearance. At the same time, I think there’s a valuable lesson for parents here.

When you’re freaking out, because your child has strayed a little off the path, don’t worry so much and put your trust in a higher power. It might be that they’re doing it in order to learn something important.

My younger daughter was pretty wild in her teens, but she found her way back and she’s grown up to be a wise, sensible and empathetic person.

If we understand that a child’s soul has reasons all its own and if it chooses a path like that, we need to trust that they will find their way back someday, and just quietly watch over them… I feel that that’s what a parent’s role is.

When I came home on the final day of the job, the tiling had been beautifully finished and my whole garden was spick and span. 

So, thanks to my tradies for teaching me yet another great lesson!

[You can find the original post 「人は見かけによらず」in Japanese here.]

Security in Life

My English ex-husband used to often use the word daikokubashira (the central pillar of a house). Sure he was probably proud of the fact that he was supporting a family of four, but more than anything it seemed like he liked the way it sounded – daikokubashira.

Having been an international student, he went on to have a family and become a translator. It was pretty reckless of him to be doing Japanese to English translation, seeing as he wasn’t really qualified, but he rode the economic wave of the time, the jobs poured in and he had all the work he could handle. Thanks to him, I was able to work at my own pace while also raising our children. Truly, he was the daikokubashira of our family.

We later ended up getting divorced and I was left without that reliable daikokubashira. However, I had just gotten a full-time position at the place where I had been working for the last few years. That job sheltered me like a huge umbrella. As you’d expect, not having my pillar to lean on threw me off balance, but the universe provided me with the perfect safety net – a stable job – and that job supported me all the way through my journey of independence.

However, over the past few years, this umbrella that had completely sheltered me seemed to be closing in around me and all sorts of restrictions started popping up: ‘this isn’t allowed’, ‘you can’t do that’, ‘this is the only option’. Everything is subject to central oversight, people are replaced by machines, and quantity gets valued over quality… A cold front approached, bringing with it a harsh atmosphere of ‘you can’t be so idealistic at times like this’, replacing the vibe of abundance  and tolerance we had had up to then.

‘Nothing stays the same forever. Everything changes with the times’.

One might understand this intellectually and one might even give this kind of advice to the people around you. But it’s actually really hard to properly handle these changes, when you’re the one who’s going through it. When something starts to change, it starts off as extremely uncomfortable and we have an instinctive knee-jerk reaction against it. It takes extraordinary courage to let go of something that you’ve grown accustomed to. So, even though you’re wearing yourself out on the inside, you can’t really move on.

However, if you’re desperately clinging onto things, challenging situations will continue to come along, one after the other: if you’re married, your heart might get ripped into pieces by your spouse having an affair; if it’s your job, restructuring might lead to you being forced out - the things we expect to be stable gradually crumble away.

Sometimes you can’t be protected even with a daikokubashira and a big umbrella, and expecting your life to be made secure by a dependable person or a dependable job brings a whole lot of risk.

Spouses are living, breathing people and there are things they can’t do no matter how hard they try and there’s no escaping the fact that work conditions change along with society. While you might feel like screaming ‘Liar!’ or ‘Traitor!’ or ‘This isn’t what I signed up for!’, to everything there is a season. These kinds of changes are difficult at the time, but when we look back on them later, they’ll pretty much always have led us in the right direction.

At first glance, things like divorce and restructuring are incredibly cruel and miserable, but the fact is the heavens have our back, saying ’be brave! Take that one step forward!’  You might think it’s dangerous to do so, but just because you’ve walled yourself off and are always on your guard or you’ve chosen a seemingly safe path, that doesn’t mean you’re safe.

It seems to me that true ‘safety’ lies in knowing that you’ll be ok no matter what happens next, and being able to trust that while you may have fallen on hard times now, you can definitely make it out the other end without being worse for wear. Whether it’s God, or Buddha, or the Heavens, or the Universe, believe in something that is big and invisible and trust in the complete power of that love… If we can manage to submit to these feelings of assurance, our lives would be so much easier.

 [You can find the original post ｢人生の保障」in Japanese here.]