A fine line

The character 責 in the word 責任 (responsibility) is the one for 責める(to blame) and there is a tendency to equate責任を負う (to take responsibility) to 自分を責める(to blame oneself). But there's a fine line between the two. “Taking responsibility” means that when something happens, you see it through to the end and do everything that you can. But what happened might not necessarily be your fault and there would be no need to blame yourself for it.

Let’s say that you've arranged a meeting and, on the day, you receive a notice that now you can't use the space that you were planning to use. As the person in charge, you have to sort out somewhere else to meet. So, you draw on all of your resources and look for a replacement location. But it's too last minute, a suitable meeting place can't be found and you end up with some tiny room that a little bit out of the way. On top of that, you only manage to notify people about the change two hours before the meeting...

When you’re in that kind of situation, how are you going to feel?

When this kind of thing happens, there are two types of people. There are people who will do everything they can about it but are completely unaffected emotionally and for whom it's like water off a duck's back. Then there are people who get completely thrown by unexpected circumstances and get caught up in thinking that everything's their responsibility and end up in total utter distress.

The other people involved in the meeting will probably naturally say things like “this place is a bit of a walk from the station” or “can we even fit everyone in here?” and chances are there will be people who show up late and people who don't even show up at all.

The second type of person reacts to every little thing that other people say and somehow feel that they can't face the people who turn up late. Now, the first type of person takes responsibility, but clearly understands that what has happened isn't their fault, and so isn't in the least bit fazed. They'll acknowledge how badly they have inconvenienced everyone and empathise with them for that, but they won't think that it's “their fault” and they won't blame themselves for it.

This is where the fine line is.

In Japan, there's a beautiful culture of “apologising for everything”. But there seem to be a lot of people who blame themselves excessively as a result.

Let’s say you introduce two of your friends to each other and they get married. But, some years later, they end up breaking up because of a “personality clash”. Would you then get to thinking that the divorce was somehow caused by you bringing together two people who would otherwise have never met? If so, you might be “someone who blames themselves excessively”. Yes, you're the one that introduced them, but as far as getting to the point of deciding to get married, that's the two of them. What happens after they get together is up to them.

Now, for those who would confidently say “Too right!”, would you be as confident when it comes to your children? There might be times when a kid's school results start dropping or they have a fight with their friends or they're out till the early hours bar hopping, and whenever these sorts of things happen, you might find yourself subconsciously questioning yourself thinking “Oh, if only I'd been home more” or “I spoiled them too much” and you’ll end up blaming yourself.

People who question themselves and blame themselves are not only never criticized for doing so, but are even praised for it. So, they get stuck into thinking that it's the right thing to do and for a lot of them, it just becomes a matter of course. But constantly blaming oneself like that makes the little “me” inside each of us absolutely desolate at being continuously told off. Being praised will bring up anyone's self-esteem, but having nothing but being brought down and told off will make it rapidly disappear.

So the next time you automatically think “this is all my fault” or even “my bad”, maybe you should try ascertaining whether or not it really was. Everybody does stupid things or forgets things that are important or causes problems through some misunderstanding. But, if it wasn't intentional, and you're now doing everything you can to make it right, then really, that’s the best you can do, right? We don't have to tell ourselves off or talk smack about ourselves any more. Instead, we can try accepting that “there's nothing I can do about it – what's done is done” and go easy on ourselves.

There's a world of difference between not blaming yourself and being irresponsible. Try seeing the super fine line that's there and do yourself a favour: forgive yourself.

 [You can find the original article”紙一重（かみひとえ）" in Japanese here. It was posted in April 2012.]